Here's my usual disclaimer. I did not write this post, but I did modify it some. The author is listed at the end of the article.
I was married for almost 19 years to a woman I truly loved and devoted my life to, but things did not work out as I desired and we are no longer married. I am not an expert at marriage, was a horrible husband, and failed miserably at being married.
That being said, this is a great article for those who are planning to become married or even for those who are currently married. Please take time to read it and if possible, apply some of it to your life/marriage. May God bless you and your marriage.
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How many want to fall in love one day?
How many want to marry and stay married to that person for the rest of your life?
On a piece of paper, I want you to write your personal definition of romantic love. Your definition should be detailed enough to give you the criteria that will position you to commit to one person for a lifetime. Look at what Solomon's wife said about her love for him:
Song of Solomon 8:6 “Always keep me in your heart and wear this bracelet to remember me by. The passion of love bursting into flame is more powerful than death, stronger than the grave.”
Set me like a cylinder seal over your heart, like a signet on your arm. For love is as strong as death, passion is as unrelenting as Sheol. Its flames burst forth, it is a blazing flame.”
Your ideas about love lay a foundation for your marriage. So, it’s a good idea to reassess your core values and consider how your concept of romantic love lines up with a biblical perspective.
Five Keys to Romantic Love
Observation 1: Marriage Takes Friendship
One key to a healthy marriage is friendship rooted in common values and interests.
Two types of love:
• Eros is powerful romantic love that flares up quickly and expresses itself in dramatic ways.
• Storge (or Phileo) is the love between friends; it is slow to develop but durable.
When you’re dating, it’s easy to get caught up in the romance of eros love. But in marriage, love and commitment are often expressed through mundane, daily responsibilities and sacrifices that are more associated with friends than lovers.
Song of Solomon 5:14 – 16 “His arms are branches of gold covered with jewels; his body is ivory decorated with sapphires. His legs are columns of marble on feet of gold. He stands there majestic like
Questions to Ask Yourself:
• Do we get excited about the same things?
• How many common interests do we have?
• Do they include spiritual things?
• Do I like this person?
Observation 2: Enduring Love is Unselfish
For love to last, it must be unselfish.
Philippians 2:3 – 4 “Don't be jealous or proud, but be humble and consider others more important than yourselves. Care about them as much as you care about yourselves”
Simply put, marital love is work. “When we love someone our love becomes real only through the fact that for that someone we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful. – Psychologist M. Scott Peck
Love is a daily decision to “treat one another as more important than yourself” and focus on the needs of another.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
• Am I willing to put this person’s needs above my own, even when it’s inconvenient?
• Will I be willing to do that for the rest of my life?
• As we continue to date, am I becoming more or less selfish in the relationship?
Observation 3: Premarital Sex Confuses Everything
Avoiding sexual intimacy before marriage is another component of finding lasting love. Besides the fact that it goes against God’s directives (1st Thessalonians 4:3 “God wants you to be holy, so don't be immoral in matters of sex”), premarital sex clouds judgment. Deciding to marry someone is one of the most important steps you’ll ever take; you need to be able to evaluate the relationship clearly. Yet sexual intimacy often makes a couple feel closer than they are and hinders their ability to see each other in nonsexual ways.
Referring to premarital sex, when God sets something off limits it’s because He wants to protect and provide. In this case, God wants to protect you from making a clouded decision about another person, perhaps so He can provide you with a committed marriage that honors Him.
What does it mean to abstain from sexual immorality? What are you thinking about right now? Then it means to abstain from it.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
• Is our physical contact in line with God’s standards?
• Is our physical relationship clouding our ability to see each other clearly?
• Is our current physical involvement helping us to honor our future marriage and keep it pure?
Hebrews 13:4 “Have respect for marriage. Always be faithful to your partner, because God will punish anyone who is immoral or unfaithful in marriage.”
Observation 4: Marital Love Requires Commitment
The Bible’s picture of mature romantic love, however, implies lasting commitment: “A man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24 NASB). What does that mean?
“A man shall leave his father and mother” – my spouse is my main concern once we wed. I must put him/her first in our marriage.
“Be joined to his wife” – be joined or “cleaved” is the decision to share everything – time, money, emotions, thoughts, fears, failure, and triumphs. The idea is to be stuck together like to two things that are glued.
“Become one flesh” – when we attach our souls to one another we become one with that person spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically. The implication of this verse is that you put your security on the line and commit entirely to one person to face a lifetime of challenges.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
• Am I willing to put a lifetime of effort into this one relationship?
• Am I ready to risk my physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual security to start a new family?
• Will I stick with this person in good and bad times?
• When bad times hit, what will remind me of the rightness of my decision to be one flesh with this person?
• Where will I find the strength to love this one person consistently for the rest of my life?
Observation 5: Divine Love is the Key
Our ability to love a person – and enjoy that person’s love in return – is dependent upon our experience of God’s love. The reason becomes apparent when we consider the types of love all of us hope to receive.
1 Corinthians 13: 4 – 8, “Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails! Everyone who prophesies will stop, and unknown languages will no longer be spoken. All that we know will be forgotten. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”
This description of love resonates with us because it was inspire by God for people made to be receptors of His divine live. Our fascination with and yearning for perfect love has been embedded into our hearts.
If we’re honest, though, we realize there’s no way we can always love someone as Paul describes. Expecting an imperfect spouse to love us that perfectly is equally unrealistic and invites disappointment and hurt. Only one person can love perfectly: God. Experiencing His unwavering love is the only way human love can be satisfying. Why? Because when we allow ourselves to be loved by a divine love, our need for transcendent love is fulfilled. We’re then free to be content with the love others can offer. And we’re better able to love others the way God loves us.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
• How strong is my relationship with God?
• Do I know how to love my significant other consistently with God’s love?
• Am I asking him or her to love me in ways only God can?
• Is the person I’m considering marrying more in love with God or with me?
Summary:
As Christians, we have access to the perspective of the author of love. God is not just a lover, but love itself (I John 4:8 “The person who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”). His opinion, revealed in His Word, can guide us as we move from dating, to love, to a lifetime commitment with another. If you’re considering marriage, there’s no surer path to a relationship that will not only be deeply fulfilling, but also provide an example to a culture desperate for lasting love.
Adapted from “Before you Pop the Question: 5 Keys to love that lasts” by Tim Muehlhoff in Discipleship Journal July/August 2008
