Forgive Them! Are You Crazy?

One of the best things the Lord has ever blessed me with was a forgiving spirit. It has come in handy many times in my life and makes things easier and life better. Medical studies have shown that people who are forgiving have less stress and fewer medical problems than those who hold grudges and harbor bitterness in their lives.

My former girlfriend (and later wife) had a difficult time forgiving others and held grudges against people for many years. I minored in counseling and during my years in seminary, so I decided that I wanted to delve deeper into the subject of forgiveness to see if I could learn more about it so that maybe I could help her and others better deal with the issue. I even did one of my dissertations on the subject of forgiveness.

Even with the “extra” help, I still didn’t become proficient enough to help others deal with their forgiveness issues. Though a few made some headway, I am in no way an expert on the subject. Nevertheless, I thought I’d take the opportunity (many years later) to share some of my insight into the subject of forgiveness. Granted, this is a Christian viewpoint and though you may not be a Christian, may even despise them, or be an atheist, these can still provide you some useful information as you deal with forgiveness in your own life.


Someone wronged you. Whether it’s a broken trust, a lie, someone talked about you behind your back, stole from you, cheated on you, was mean to you, violated you, or whatever the issue may be, you’ve been wronged. The view in the world is to get them back and avenge the wrong. After all, don’t they deserve it? We have pride and many times think we’re above forgiving some people and things. Maybe this isn’t even the first time they have wronged you. How many times must I continue to be wronged by this person? The answer is not always what we want to hear. Forgiveness is not a one time ordeal. It’s a life changing action that is not always easy or convenient. Turning the other cheek is against our human nature and our society teaches us that we must be avenged and that someone has to pay for wronging us. There are numerous verses in the Bible that speak of God’s model of forgiveness. For the sake of being brief and not making this a long, exhausting study on the Biblical model of forgiveness, I’ll just pick a few of the verses that help us understand the principle of forgiveness.

Item 1: Forgiveness Requires Forgetfulness
In Psalm 130:3-4, the Bible tells us that God doesn’t keep a record of our wrongdoings and He models the lifestyle of forgiveness. He provides unconditional forgiveness and desires us to do the same to others.

I used to have a friend that kept a “daily journal”. In actuality, it was a daily log of how I had wronged them and was a running record of my failures toward them. The journal covered many years and was an excellent example of what Christ specifically tells us we should not do if we are to be one of His followers. Even though it may be difficult, we must learn to let go of the shortcomings that others have had toward us. Christ said that if we bring our failures to Him and ask for forgiveness, He will forgive and remember it no more. We must learn to do the same.

Item 2: Turn the Other Cheek
We briefly touched on this earlier but what does this mean? In Matthew 5:38-42 Christ tells us that when we are offended, we shouldn’t use it as an opportunity to make a public display to let everyone know we have been wronged. We should respond with kindness and humility. Once again, this is against our nature and requires that we turn these type situations over to Christ and rely on Him instead of lashing out and letting them have it. If we decide to lash out at them, we are showing those who wronged us that we are not in control of our actions, but that we are controlled by our flesh and emotions. It can be very damaging to our reputation and witness if we lash out at those who wrong us. I should note however, this should not be taken that we must live our lives as a doormat for others and that we cannot make a stand against a wrong. At some point people must be held accountable for their actions. Blaming their past or their environment for their failures and ignoring their actions is not acceptable. Accountability for one’s self and one’s actions is expected. Not everything in life is someone else’s fault, but that’s a subject for another day.

Item 3: Forgiveness is a Continual Event
In Matthew 18:21-22, someone asked Jesus how many times should we forgive someone for wronging us, seven times? Jesus replied that we must forgive not just seven times but seven times seventy (490). Even more astounding is that if you read the original Greek, you see that this is seven times seventy in a twenty four hour period for the SAME offense. What was Jesus trying to say? Not that we should forgive 490 times a day for the same offense, but that our life should be a continual cycle of forgiving others for their shortcomings.

As stated earlier, maybe we should be a little cognizant of a person that continually wrongs us with the same offense. It could be a sign that they are having trouble with an issue and could need some professional help in getting over an issue. Ignoring problems and hoping they will improve or correct themselves rarely works. Sometimes people need to get professional help.

Item 4: True Forgiveness Does Not Have Strings Attached
We cannot base our forgiveness on a list of requirements that our offenders must meet in order to receive forgiveness from us. Forgiveness is offered freely and should not have criteria for the offender to meet. No one can earn forgiveness. The same is true of Christ. He tells us if we ask for forgiveness from Him, He grants it.

Item 5: Sometimes We Need to Ask For Forgiveness
There are times in our lives when we’ve wronged others and need to go to them and ask for forgiveness.

Several years back when I was in the process of getting divorced, the Youth Pastor of the church my family was attending called me and blasted me for being a horrible father to my two Children. He even gloated and made light of the fact that my marriage of 18 years was coming to an end. I didn’t handle this too well and decided that I would vent the anger and frustration of my circumstances at him. During our conversation, I proceeded to “let him have it”. After all, he was extremely rude to me and was about as unkind toward me as anyone had ever been my entire life. We finally ended our conversation and I figured that if anyone ever owed me an apology, it was him. After a few days I had recovered from it and moved on. A couple of years later while I was at a pastoral seminar on church growth, the speaker mentioned that an unforgiving spirit or something that we may even be subconsciously holding onto could be hindering our walk with God and causing trouble with our life/ministry. He talked of this only a moment during the first day of the seminar and didn’t even spend a minute on it before returning to the subject at hand. I have no idea what they spoke of the rest of that day, or the next day as I became obsessed with that one remark. It was as if God had only brought me to the seminar to hear that one thing. Though I had been wronged by the Youth Pastor and he may or may not ever ask for forgiveness for what he said to me, I was wrong in the way I handled it. I said, “Lord, don’t You remember what he did to me, how he talked to me, and how he treated me?” He reminded me that I do not have to answer for him or anyone else, but I do have to answer for my actions and reactions. I reacted wrongly and no matter if he ever asks for forgiveness or not, I must ask him to forgive me for my attitude and reactions to him. I pondered it for a while and thought of stopping by his house and apologizing but never did. Finally one night at a football game I saw him and his family and talked with him and apologized for my words, attitude and actions. It wasn’t easy but it did seem to remove a load of weight from me.

Hopefully these five steps will be of use to you as you go through your daily walk. Forgiveness is not always easy and at times it may seem to make you feel better to not forgive. However, if you make a concerted effort to forgive, you can be surprised at how much easier it becomes and how much more enjoyable life can be. Holding grudges ages you quicker and can shorten your life. The easiest way live is to learn to forgive, and let God handle it.

Psalm 130:3-4
If you God, kept records on wrongdoings, who would stand a chance?
As it turns out, forgiveness is Your habit, and that's why you're worshiped.

Matthew 5:38-42
"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.'
Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.'
If someone strikes you, stand there and take it.
If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, gift-wrap your best coat and make a present of it.
And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

Matthew 18:21-22
At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?"
Jesus replied, "Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.