Some may consider this disturbing, but I promise you I’m fine and all is well, (as well as it has ever been) in Gary’s head. However, after one of my recent counseling sessions (thanks, ex), I was asked how I felt about life and what I thought others think of me. At my next session I was supposed to give a report about my thoughts. I figured I’d share it so here goes: A word of advice, you might want to click to another page now…………
For most of my life, I cared deeply about all that went on and everyone that was a part of my life. I enjoyed my life, my work, my family & my friends. I absolutely adored my Kids and my “wife”. Over these past few years, almost everything that I cared deeply about was removed, walked away or was taken away. I fought losing them, and did all I could to salvage what I could, but lost miserably. Since then I developed a strong apathy toward others and events that take place in my life. I tried to be a good Father to my two wonderful Children, but evidently didn’t do to well at it since neither of them has a desire to be any part of my life or to have me in theirs. I’ve been told I was horrible at being a husband, so I’ve decided I probably should avoid doing that again or in building relationships in general. Plus having someone you’ve devoted your life to turn their back on you has a tendency to severely damage your self-worth and tarnish your opinion of yourself and your abilities. Even more so when you have no real understanding as to why they did what they did to you.
I’ll live through whatever comes my way, do my best to not interfere with others lives, try to keep to myself to avoid burdening anyone and when my time is up here I’ll die and more than likely few will care. I haven’t and won’t make a major life altering impact on anyone; the world will not mourn my loss nor honor my time here on Earth. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am not the type person that people enjoy having around. I’m opinionated; I do not have a strong “mercy” side to me, don’t have a good bedside manner, cannot give good advice, and offer nothing but an excellent example of how not to do things or how not to live your life. I have an innate ability to rub people the wrong way, especially women. I can fix many broken items but really, is that something to base your whole reason for living on? So I guess technically, I’m not totally useless. :-)
However, as with most issues in my life, I don’t really care if I’m liked or wanted. I’ve learned that human love is not all it’s cut out to be, it’s feelings based, does not last forever, it’s self-serving & self-centered, disposable and that some people are destined to spend their lives alone in solitude/alone. It’s not necessarily what I had planned when I was growing up, as I had a yearning desire to love and to be loved, but sometimes life dumps things in your life and no matter how hard your struggle with it, there’s nothing you can do about it. So you must learn to accept it and move on.
I was chastised recently because of my apathy. Work wants me to be more passionate about my endeavors and goals for work/life as I have been in the past. I’ll try because they are the one who give me a paycheck for now, but from what I’ve discovered these past few years, it will be an almost impossible task to accomplish as apathy has taken a great hold in my life and in the end, will it really matter if I was a devoted employee or not? In life and ministry, I’ll tell you the truth and you can either accept it or reject it. Your beliefs have no lasting impression or bearing on my life on Earth or my eternity afterward. So I really don’t care if you believe me, call me a liar or think I’m crazy.
I saw a t-shirt years ago that said, “Life Sucks, and Then You Die!” I thought at the time the person who was wearing the shirt must have had a difficult time in their life or that they needed to change their outlook on life. I’ve come to realize in the last few years however that for some of us, sadly, it’s true.
I still have a desire to love and to be loved, but it’s getting to be a much diminished and almost non-existent part of my life. I’m here until God says I’m through and calls me on. My opinion is; the sooner the better. I won’t do anything to help shorten my time here, but don’t have any desire to lengthen it. To paraphrase Revelation 22:20, “Even so Lord, come quickly”
My best friend in life told me a few years back, “You’ve changed. You no longer have the passion for life, fun and adventure you once had”. I couldn’t help but agree. I’ve tried to get back to some semblance to where I once was, but somehow I keep getting beat back to where I am.
So there you have it. Yes, I’ve got issues but who doesn’t? Mine may be “extreme”, but it’s where I was dropped off and I’m unable to get out of it. No matter where I turn, who I turn to, or what I do; I’m here. I would love to someday get moved to a new point and once again have a passion for life and love, but I don’t see that happening. And no, it’s not other people’s fault I’m here. I got here through my own bad decisions and gullibility and can’t blame others for my bad choices and decisions. So I guess it’s going to be up to me to get out. But apathy is one strong sucker.
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"Still Holding On"
Performed by: Oak Ridge Boys
When I was young, I was sure I never could grow old.
I was gonna climb mountains, and sail the seas, go searching for gold.
But those years come creeping in and my journey gets so long,
I don’t spring back like I used to, but I’m still holding on.
Holding on to what I believe in be it right or wrong.
Holding on to my dreams and my crazy schemes yes I’m still holding on.
I thought I’d found true love, I was sure it never could end.
I was blinded by the light in her eyes, couldn’t see around the bend.
Then one night she said goodbye, I turned around and she was gone.
Shook my head and shed my tears, but I’m still holding on.
Holding on to believing that love is a good thing even though she’s gone.
Holding on to my dreams and my crazy schemes yes I’m still holding on.
O at night when the cold wind blows and my collar’s pulled up high.
I’m all alone in a God forsaken place, wondering why.
A man only does what he must do and the journey must go on.
Brush myself off, laugh at the wind ‘cause I’m still holding on.
Holding on to what I believe in even thou it’s wrong.
Holding on to my dreams and my crazy schemes yes I’m still holding on.
Holding on to what I believe in be it right or wrong.
Holding on to my dreams and my crazy schemes yes I’m still holding on.
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